In my world, it is roommate conflict season. Maybe it’s the fact that Caesar was killed a few weeks from now, maybe it’s because people are annoyed that their spring exploits are popping up on YouTube. Whatever the reason, people just don’t seem to get along this time of year. As such, I would like to offer this public service announcement, as one who has not heard it all, but has heard enough to roll her eyes.
Adrienne’s Top 5 Roommate Relations Tips
5. Do not communicate via post-it note, text message, Instant Messenger (especially if you are in fact sitting in the same room), or dry erase board. You may think, “Yo bitchz, clean up yo foulness” is an innocuous reminder to clean, written in all good fun on the bathroom mirror. Your roommate, however, will fly into a white-hot rage and seethe for a week before destroying your 60 dollar bottle of moisturizer in retaliation because of your “disrecptin” [sic]. Please, use face-to-face contact when addressing suite issues. Ambiguity of expression is not your friend in these regards.
4. If you have an issue with someone in your room, talk with them about it first. Do not tell your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your mother, the college administration, your cousin, your roommate’s cousin and your Ipod voice recorder your woes before you address it with the offending party. Because your concerns will make it back to the person and there is a healthy chance they will pull out the post-it notes. And if you give a disgruntled roommate post-it notes, she’s going to want a laser-beam trained at your head to go with it. And that will remind her of the cookie of hers that you ate . . . you get the point.
3. Do not have your parent call the school. He or she does not live in your room. (Well, they shouldn’t. If they do, that is the subject for another post.) Because if said parent calls to complain that Sally’s roommate smells like beef and that Sally can’t take it anymore, I will be forced to tell them that Sally sleeps with 12 stalks of rotting celery and her roommate collects meat to cover the smell. What was that? Sally failed to mention the celery? Oh, yes. Well then perhaps it’s best that Sally come to me for assistance herself.
2. If you need to go to the Resident Assistant or Resident Director, make sure he or she knows you actually came for help. Take for example the following exchange:
“So, I’m sorry I didn’t get back to you about this issue. When did you email me?”
“Oh, I didn’t email.”
“Okay. When did you come to the office?”
“I didn’t know you had an office. I went to your apartment a few times and knocked really loudly, but you didn’t answer.”
“Well, I’m not usually home during the day. I’m usually here. In my office. Did you leave a note on my white board?”
“No.”
“And did you do any of these things with the RA?”
“No, but they’re never home either!”
See, the irony is that post-it notes would solve this issue.
1. Finally, I think 90 percent of roommate conflicts can be solved by speaking to each other. Early. Because everyone comes to me convinced that their roommate is a psychopath. However, when I ask Sally if she ever mentioned the beef problem to her roommate, Sally inevitably hasn’t. And I suppose there are some crazy roommates out there and some unreasonable people. However, I will also say that I have NEVER in my ELEVEN YEARS in residence life seen a roommate conflict where only one party was completely to blame. If you stand by and never stand up for your needs or wants, you are teaching the other person that such behavior is allowed. And passive-aggressively not doing the dishes is not speaking up. It is just leaving dirty dishes in the sink.
Thank you. And when you fail to do all of the above things, know that I am in my office. I am good at talking about these things. I demand my roommate clean all the time. I’m a pro and will lend my services of articulation to you.
