If ever anyone needed an argument against “intelligent design,” I’d say teething is a pretty compelling one.

First, humans benefit from having teeth.  I have known edentate individuals in my life, and they gummed their through food to sustain themselves.  However, this notwithstanding, I think we can all agree teeth help. 

Thus, as teeth are a close to essential part of the human body, why must it be so difficult for them to come in?  They hurt so much a person can’t sleep.  They give a person a runny nose so that she can’t suck most of her calories down, sucking being the way she was born to get most of her calories in her first year of life.  And, tired and hungry, the teething person is generally unpleasant to the people most closely associated with sustaining her life.  These people then grow tired, angry, and frustrated in proportion to that of the teether, and do not wish to be in her presence for continuous wakeful hours.

Now, humanity has been given intellect to invent things.  Things like orajel, frozen teething rings, etc.  And I’ve tried all of these things to little or no affect today.  There is no eating or sleeping here.  Just teething. 

How does this benefit the human race?  How am I to gather berries, mend the bison hide, and hide from predators, when the infant won’t. stop. yelling?  How are we to survive for her to produce still another generation if she falls into a heap, a milkless insomniac?  I DON’T UNDERSTAND UNIVERSE.  I DON’T CARE WHY WE ARE HERE AT THE MOMENT, I’M JUST AMAZED THAT WE STILL ARE.

Now, if there is a theory out there called “ironic” design or “it’s fun to mock you fief” design, then okay, I get it.  There is a force out there while perhaps “intelligent” also has a quirky sense of humor.  I’d say “sadistic” but that is probably heresy.  So I’ll refrain. 

And sure, you could argue birth hurts blah blah blah and so does other processes that have to do with continued life on the planet.  But these things generally happen to people who have the cognitive ability to cope.  I would just like to put out there that there is little intelligent about the current process of teething. 

If you agree, feel free to copy and paste this letter I composed and send to your local intelligent design representative. 

Dear God [Or other Intelligent Designer Salutation],

Teething.  Really?  Really? You could do better. 

Sincerely,
[Concerned Citizen] Adrienne

PS Actually, the whole “problem of suffering” thing is, frankly, not so great either.  Please refer to your troubleshooting department immediately.